I’m Back

I was gone. Long gone. For nearly six months, I ate what I wanted. I didn’t work out. I was depressed. Like really depressed.  For a good three or four months I cried every day. The days I didn’t I kept waiting to burst into tears. What in zee heck? Why? A boy broke my heart. Or rather I broke my own heart. Although it was more than that. I felt hopeless. So I muffled my tears with food. I’d mull over every email, every good moment, every bad one, and try to answer why it went to hell. When there weren’t any good answers, I ate to fill the question mark.

I went to therapy. I cried a lot. I talked about my loneliness. I talked about my eating patterns. I was told that I can’t go on the shakes ever again. I cried some more. I stopped crying. I tried to date again. Have I ever told you how much dating sucks? I started crying again.

And I gained 20 pounds in the process.

2o pounds.

But I gained a lot of insight into my character in the process. There is that.

So I’m back. But I’m back with a different mindset. I am standing on my own two feet. I may weigh myself. I may eat healthy. I will exercise. But I won’t be manic about it from here on out. I just want to feel good in my own skin. I want to feel good in my soul.

I am 185 pounds. I am beautiful.

I nearly wrote anyway. I am 185 pounds. I am beautiful, anyway. I nearly wrote that. I’m a work in progress, as you can see.

Let’s try that again. I am 185 pounds. I am beautiful. I want to be healthier.

Welcome 2011.

tradesies: butterscotch sundae

I’m trading this:

For this:

When that craving for ice cream, ice cream, ice cream won’t go away, I cool off with a shower and this baby. Philosophy’s Butterscotch Bliss shower gel. It works. If it doesn’t work the first time? Lather, rinse, repeat.

scale scare

I’m petrified of my scale. I can’t even go near it. That’s why you haven’t had an update in a while. I feel mammoth. Like I’ve blown up. Like I weigh 700 pounds. So my morale is down too. I’m not sure if it’s the weight that’s making me sad or if my sadness is making me gain weight. It’s a bit of a catch 22. Nevertheless, the blues are here (preferably not to stay). It seems like every time I go to exercise, I start it off by bawling my eyes out. I bawl and then after three minutes of Jillian Michaels screaming at me to do one more push up, I suck it up and get down to work. And then I feel amazing afterward.

This week I’m going on an uber diet. My sister recommended it to me. It’s called The Last 15: A Weightloss Breakthrough. Here’s the low down: chow down on veggies, have three or four fruits, stock up on protein and eat *gasp*  one carb a day. One. Dear lord. This is gonna be rough. Luckily they give you two cheats in a week: either wine or chocolate. I think I’m going the wine route.

Give me a couple of weeks of this diet and working out like a fiend and I’ll hop on the scale again.

heartbreak: better than atkins

I’ve been absent, readers. I’ve been absent because I haven’t been committed. Let me make that clear. I haven’t been committed to me.  I’ve been committed to other things. Like a boy. After months of dating slime, I met a boy who was kind to me. Wonderful things would fall out of his mouth, like “That was the best kiss I’ve ever had”, “I’ve been waiting for you”. And silly things fell out too. Silly nicknames, silly games. And so I fell hard. I introduced him to my friends, I gave him sweet cards, I cooked him dinner, I adored him. I can’t say I was in love. But I was hopeful. And then overnight Mr. Right turned into Mr. Wrong. He visited his family back home for a week and I barely heard from him, he was defensive about changing his facebook status to “in a relationship”, and then one lovely friday afternoon, he stood me up. You know when the end is near? You get ridiculously obsessed with your iPhone, your stomach is in knots, and all you can think about is the end of “us”. I knew it was coming. There were too many red flags, too soon in the relationship. For a while, I’d neatly tuck them away in my pocket. But there’s only so much room those pockets can hold before they bust the seams.

I’d thought of just breaking it off a couple of times. But hope! Hope held my hand into foolery. Yesterday, I left him a message saying, We need to talk. I’d rather do it in person. Was I going to break it off? I wasn’t sure. My heart said no, but my gut said yes. And in he waltzed, with my things in his hands. It was over. “I wasn’t feeling it. We didn’t seem into eachother. I haven’t even been in your car.” What type of break up is that? I cannot grasp the idea that he wasn’t feeling it. I can’t even fathom why. It’s so polar opposite from the vibe he’d given. And what does my car have to do with anything? How ridiculous (and yes, I’m laughing out loud at the silliness of this argument)! I own a tiny Honda Civic. The man was 6’3. Surely he could have done the math. I am crushed. I don’t know if I’ve ever wanted something to work so badly. And I frankly don’t know why it didn’t.

So here I am. Single. I should be used to the status but I’m frightened. I can’t eat. I’m sleeping a lot. I’m afraid to be alone.

What I refuse to do: eat myself into oblivion or drink like a fish. I gained five pounds being with this guy. I’ve already lost three in the break up process. I’m going to be kind to myself. I may not be destined for love. I have never had it. I can only dream of what that is and envy everyone in the world for having experienced it (in a “I’m happy for you” kind of way). I’ve let go of hope’s hand. She has only led me to danger. I think it’s time, again, for me. I have 27 pounds to shed. I’m tired of being the girl who nearly finishes things. It’s time to pluck up the courage to cross the finishing line.

the ice cream diet

I lost close to 2 pounds. Lost an inch. And half a percentage of fat.

What I’m not doing:
- eating salad
- working out
- watching the Biggest Loser

What I’m doing:
- eating ice cream
- drinking martinis
- dating someone awesome

Ah! Ding ding ding! The secret to weight loss!

In all seriousness, this week’s weight loss kinda floored me. And shocked me. I have not been the image of health. And while I love drinking martinis with the girls and eating ice cream with an amazing boy, I miss my routine. I miss feeling empowered and strong. Goal for the week: balance.

feeling a little better

I feel smaller. I don’t know if I am smaller but I feel like I am. My jeans feel bigger which is lovely (and a relief!). So yes. I don’t have a huge update – although you’d think I would after 2 weeks of not writing. But I wanted to touch base and let you know how things are. I lost 3 pounds! Thank goodness. It was freaking me out a little there. But I don’t want to get stuck in the 165-170 rut. My goal is still 140. That’s where I believe my body is meant to be. Forward!

oh no

It’s starting to get out of control. I gained 3 pounds this week (which is unheard of for me). My jeans are starting to feel tight again. I’m feeling lazy. This is not good. I don’t feel committed in the same way I used to. Something’s gotta give. It’s just not good.

happy easter

Sorry I didn’t post last week. I still weighed myself (I’d gone up another pound) so don’t think I’ve completely abandoned my weight loss journey (even though I’d gained a pound). This week I was miraculously able to bring my weight back down to 168 and I was even able to drop an inch. But I’m not really sure how that happened. My goal for the week is to drop another two pounds and eat mostly veggies. So I’m making dip today to keep on track!

Happy easter everyone!

it’s that easy

A couple of weeks. Mindless grazing. Snack fests. TV surfing. Being lazy. It doesn’t take long for those pounds to pile back on. I just gained another pound today. Another pound and another inch.

Thank goodness I have a blog. Thank goodness I weigh myself every day. What would happen if I didn’t? It’d all just come back with a vengeance.

What I need to do: stop making excuses. This week I have 2 birthday celebrations. I might have a couple of dates. All good excuses to chow down and not work out. Nada. That doesn’t work for me anymore. I used to never make plans during the week. I’m finding it hard to say “Sorry I’m busy!” to a cute guy that asks me out during the week. But from now on, I just have to say, “Sorry I’m busy but what about Saturday!?” Eeeeek. We’ll see how that pans out.

And I think I’m going to rely pretty heavily on the shakes this week. They give me so much energy! And they taste so good! And I need to just stay away from all these treats. I don’t need a friggin’ cookie. I don’t need any of these snackie things. In fact, I shouldn’t be eating any snacks at all. Gah! Hopefully I can shake off these three pounds this week and trim down. Wish me luck!

eat your veggies

I’m hitting a mental block. You know how 180 was a breaking point for me? How I never thought I’d get below 180? Well I’m having the same thing with 40 pounds lost. And I’m thinking too much. And I’m eating too much. And I’m sitting too much. So I gained two pounds. I’m not in any way surprised.

So today I stepped into the kitchen and got busy. I made a frittatta, my healthy oatmeal and sauteed up some veggies which I think I’ll puree into a soup. I just want to eat well. Eat fresh.

Wish me luck. I’m starting to think I need it.